Guest post by ZurichMike, with some photos provided by Texan59.
It’s nearly summer time, and those Yankees who have not already lost their jobs and moved to Texas, or who have just got out of prison for violating one of the rash of new gun laws criminalizing virtually everyone in northern states, may be thinking of visiting Texas on their summer vacations. This should be encouraged. It can only help to get familiar with the state, since all conservatives will be forced to move there sooner or later. When visiting, the following guidelines should be strictly followed, especially for all northerners not yet immersed in the Texas culture. No one knows who originally composed this list and posted it on the interwebs – probably the Texas Bureau of Tourism. But the list is more timely now than ever. Enjoy.
1) Don’t expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It’s a cafe — They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they’ll
kick your ass.
3) Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it’s called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever — it’s still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we’ll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,Southwest Airlines, Dell computers).Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Ann Richards). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin’.
6) Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we’ll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we’ll kick your ass.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. DO NOT,under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home — before we kick it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that’s all that matters. Now, go away,or we’ll kick your ass.
11) Don’t complain that certain areas of this state “smell” of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you’d soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don’t ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they’ll kick your ass-just like they did ours.
13) Don’t think we’re quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime-infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we’ll kick your ass.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box–minus your ass.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.
16) Enjoy your visit.