The Wife Whisperer

The following excerpt of conversational brilliance is from an actual exchange last night between Gruntessa and myself while out on a date.  More or less.  Of course, I’ve changed a few things to make her look petty and shrewish and myself wise and thoughtful, but if she wants to be portrayed accurately, like the angel that she is, she can write her own post.  😉

women-are-better-than-menGrunt:  “I saw an amusing online exchange between some woman and her boyfriend.  She wanted to know what was so hard to figure out about women.  “You tell us we’re pretty and give us chocolate.  What’s so tough about that?””

Gruntessa:  “And yet, guys can’t even figure that out.  How is that amusing?”

Grunt:  “Well, the dude then explodes and claims that women are like medieval torture machines wearing 6-dimensional Rubik’s cube earrings, shouting terrorist threats at you in a foreign language.”

Gruntessa:  “And what got you thinking about this?  Are you saying that living with me is torture?”

Grunt:  “Of course not.  I just saw a sign for a horse whisperer at the ranch we just passed, and it got me thinking.

Gruntessa:  “That’s rare.”

Grunt:  “I know.  But the thing is, you can hire all kinds of experts to help you with your life, like doctors, financial consultants, mid-wives, lawyers, shrinks, dietitians; why not wife whisperers?”

Gruntessa:  “You’re an idiot.”

Grunt:  “That’s kinda my point, really.  Guys are too dumb to figure women out.  It’s a fact.  And 60% of marriages fail, probably due to that fact.  So why aren’t there professionals out there, specially trained, to help guys interpret their women?  Like horse whisperers, but for wives?”

Gruntessa:  “Are you saying that wives are like horses?”

Grunt:  “No, I’m just saying that you could hire this person to go have some Chai tea or whatever chicks drink down at Starbucks with your wife.  Meantime, you go get some fishing in, or some engine work out of the way in the shop.  You know, something productive.  Week or two later, you have a meeting with your whisperer where he/she explains all that wife crap to you that you’ve been missing.  Instant marital bliss.  Total bonanza!  Somebody should be getting rich doing this.  I’m serious!”

Gruntessa:  “You’re an idiot, AND this idea will never work.”

Grunt:  “Why the hell not???”

Gruntessa:  “I can’t tell you.  You need to figure that out on your own.”

Grunt:  “#@*&* $#!3 +(@%#^@%$!!!!”horse_whisperer

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About GruntOfMonteCristo

Fearless and Devout Catholic Christian First, Loving Husband and Father Second, Pissed-Off Patriot Third, Rocket Engineer Dork Last.
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23 Responses to The Wife Whisperer

  1. texan59 says:

    Soooooo, what I think you’re saying is that your lovely bride would not be quite as understanding if you bought her a really nice weedeater for her birthday. 😆

  2. My wife and I have found this book very helpful in better understanding each other:

    • Well, ok, if that works for you. But my wife and I have found that the secret to real wedded bliss is having something in common – like enjoying a really good microbrew together. That, and tormenting the children. That’s always good for some shared laughs. But the beer thing is really important. C.S. Lewis always admired a woman who appreciated a good beer. I think that’s mostly why he married Joy Davidman. Also, he liked the way she could expertly handle a shotgun, even if she was always getting in trouble with the police for shooting at kids who were stealing from their fruit trees. Actually, I’m not making this up.

      • like enjoying a really good microbrew together.

        That sounds like “receiving gifts” and “quality time”…

        …2 of the 5 love languages… 🙂

        • True! And as you perceived, I was mostly kidding about beer and guns being the most important things to a marriage. 😉 That book sounds pretty good!

          • It is a good book, and has been helping relationships for over 20 years. My wife and I found that we naturally speak different “languages” when it comes to expressing love, and the key is to learn to speak the other person’s language(s)… I feel most loved when she expresses to me “words of affirmation” and “physical touch”, and she feels most loved when I express to her “acts of service” and “quality time”. Neither of us is big into “receiving gifts”, but that one is the primary love language of our oldest child. 🙂

            Most couples do not share the same primary love language, and the natural tendency is to speak your own primary love language to your spouse… that usually is not effective. For example, it’s natural for me to want to walk up behind my wife, rub her shoulders, and tell her that she’s awesome (physical touch and words of affirmation)…. but if she’s at the sink doing dishes when I do that, she would much prefer that I take over doing the dishes, let her go sit down on the couch to read, and then join her there to talk after I’m done (acts of service and quality time).

            Whereas my oldest child feels most loved when I buy him gifts (formerly Legos or Nerf guns, he’s now into Airsoft guns).

            • That’s really true. One of my biggest difficulties with adapting to her “language” was the natural resistance to change. I kept wondering why I always had to be the one to adapt, you know? Why can’t she just understand my neanderthal ways? Truth is, though; it goes both ways, and she has adapted quite a bit, as I have. And there are many times that it’s just one of you who does all the adapting, depending on what’s going on in the marriage, but that’s where the selfless love comes in, right? It ain’t always fair, but fair’s got nothing to do with love. Besides, you may think you’re the only one giving, but you’re probably wrong, and even if you’re right, you’ll need the same sacrifice from her/him some other time, so you gotta “just do it.” Jesus never held back. Why should we?

      • texan59 says:

        While Mrs. T and I don’t have that refined palate necessary for appreciating a nice microbrew, we do ascribe to the adage of partaking in a very cold beer, often. 🙂

    • texan59 says:

      Many years ago, I read the Mars/Venus book. While I am somewhat skeptical of a store-bought Ph.D author, as John Gray is, I began applying his theories when I became involved with the future Mrs. T. After I quit trying to solve each and every problem she laid at my feet, and just listen, things began to fall in place. Now, if I could just get her to read it, we might truly prosper. 😉

  3. texan59 says:

    Some other words to live by from Earl Dibbles, jr. 😆

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