Gruntington Post [Parody] – Former commodities broker and outspoken internet/radio firebrand Ann Barnhardt is no stranger to controversy. She gained notoriety a few years ago for posting a YouTube video critical of U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham in which she burned a Koran after reading passages bookmarked with bacon. Since then, her harsh criticism of Islam, politicians, Protestants, non-traditional Catholics, self-loathing Jews, foreigners of all kinds (especially French aircraft manufacturers and anyone from South America), clergy of all stripes (especially Jesuits and the current Pope), bankers, lawyers, non-domestic car salesmen, people who don’t wear ties, pushy women, gays, non-gay but low-testosterone men, a mysterious group of criminals called Novus Ordo-enablers (possibly some flavor of illuminati), dogs, cats, prairie dogs, nice people and all the idiots who send her email has earned her quite a few admirers and a few detractors.
A devout and committed traditional Catholic, Miss Barnhardt has raised eyebrows most recently with her scathing criticism of Pope Francis, who is widely admired by Catholics and non-Catholics alike, calling him ignorant and stupid. Also a theological and rhetorical idiot. But that pales in comparison to provocative comments she made today in a masterful blog essay in which she laid out her rhetorical framework that proved that the Almighty was never really that smart, and his dimwitted Son, Jesus, may have been too thick to accomplish the one job he was given in his 33 years on Earth – that of taking out the (human) garbage – and messed up so badly he got himself killed in the process.
“Look, I’m just a chick with an animal husbandry degree, so I’m the last one who should be stepping up and criticizing the Almighty, but all the pussified men on this planet don’t have the balls to point out the obvious, so it’s up to me. Besides, I’m really, really good at rhetoric. I know this, because my fans told me. Not the 99.5% of the idiots who email me and tell me I’m a psychotic Zionist lesbian Nazi, whatever that is. I don’t listen to them. I choose to believe the other 0.5% who tell me I’m St. Joan of Arc reincarnated and smarter than God. Those people have killer judgment, tell me I’m smart and beautiful, and they’re soooo nice to me. Not that I like nice. I HATE nice. But I like them. And believe them completely.”
But that’s when things got really controversial…
“Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Jesus. But most people don’t understand what love is. Love is not stupid, and sometimes in the Gospels, we see Jesus being stupid over and over again. Just look at the Samaritan woman at the well. The most loving thing that Jesus could have done is come right out, directly and forcefully, and SAID SOMETHING CONCRETE. He could have told that woman what a slut she was, and that she was going straight to hell, without any sugar-coating. That would have brought her around, pronto. That’s what I do. I make points. Clear, explicit points. But did he do that? No. I read that whole 4th chapter in John THREE times and I still don’t know what he was trying to accomplish. He starts by asking her to get him some water, and then asks her questions. As if SHE’d have anything of value to add. No, the best thing I can say about the Messiah is that he’s just not that bright. Much like that idiot, Pope Francis. What a doof.”
“I got more. What’s with the parable crap? I do public speaking for a living, and I always tell people not to speak in mindless platitudes or abject jibberish even though they may be hailed as geniuses for doing so. Jesus demonstrates this failure mode perfectly. It’s almost like he thinks he can see the hearts of the people he’s speaking to, and tries to adapt his approach to the state of their hearts in a way that will grip them without driving them off immediately. Heh! What a load of taurusfimus! It’s no wonder it took this guy so long to get anywhere with those people. You need to listen to me and NEVER make that mistake. People need to be told the brutal truth in the harshest way possible, hopefully in a way that insults the marital status of their parents while questioning their sanity and/or IQ. That’s how you love people. Cast away the tyranny of nice. You’re welcome.”
In her essay, Miss Barnhardt went on to point out that Jesus clearly had a faulty upbringing and education, since he mostly spoke in the vernacular, which was Aramaic, instead of the clearly more beautiful and divine Latin. In fact, since his words at the Last Supper were likely not in Latin, the whole sacramental aspect of the meal is in question, making it invalid as a foundation of the Holy Tridentine Mass. She also cited some traditional scholars who believe that he further disrespected himself by not properly genuflecting on one knee after each consecration of the body and blood. “He may have also failed to properly face the wall, not turning his back to his disciples during the crucial moments, but that’s just informed speculation, so I’ll give him SOME benefit of the doubt. I’m not completely uncharitable.”
But despite her almost weekly expressed contempt for a man who drew over 3 million faithful Christian youth to Rio de Janeiro this year, and her recent criticism of Almighty God, Ann remains one of the most beloved and respected figures of the conservative blogosphere. Her principled stands and fearless defense of truth are legendary. As BigFurHat of iOwnTheWorld.com recently pointed out: “Sure, some of our shocked regulars have recently taken to calling her the “c-word” after choking on her pushy advice, but as embattled conservatives, we really need to hang together and focus on fighting the Left as much as we can. Besides, I’m afraid that if I criticize Ann, she might cut my nuts off with her Ka-Bar. That, and I’m hoping she’s still considering my marriage proposal. I think.”