When workers at the popular conservative blog “For God, Family and Country” showed up for work on Tuesday, they got a surprise when their keycards no longer worked at the imposing security gate outside their Hawaiian blog headquarters, pictured at right. Even though the property was owned by one of the five founding bloggers, GFCinThatOrder, and supported by 11 or 12 other writers, many had forgotten that the WordPress account for the blog was opened by another founder named RedPill who suddenly realized that the website had accumulated a small cash value. Within a few days, RedPill and his wife had sold the site to Al Jazeera and used the proceeds to buy a hugely profitable, Chrislam-themed coffee hut called Holy Goat. They are pictured below with their swanky coffee boutique. Although RedPill and his wife seemed happy with this arrangement, the other bloggers were not, despite the generous offer of new employment, with benefits, by the new buyer. The employment did not involve writing, since all of the acquired slaves, er, workers were not considered “qualified” to write for Al Jazeera. When interviewed about their status, Mehmet Ali Nardal, head of Human Resources, indicated that “stupid Tea Party infidels” are not allowed to speak, much less write anything, according to company policy. “It is an honor for them to be offered full employment in the serval cat coffee plantations of Indonesia. That is more than adequate work for them.” When informed that none of the bloggers felt suited to picking coffee, Nardal laughed. “They wish! Only good Muslims are allowed to pick the coffee. These troublemakers will spend their days picking through serval cat excrement to recover the coffee beans that have passed through their furry little bodies. If they are good workers, we may let them taste the coffee beans to see if they have become seasoned sufficiently in the bowels of the cats. But only if they are very good. The coffee, it is expensive. Most expensive in the world.”
One of the displaced bloggers, Barnslayer, swore to fight the relocation and use violence if necessary. Although he has recently been forced to sell off many of his firearms, Barnslayer still owned a fully functional Soviet T-55 tank. In anticipation of the fight, Barn spent all Tuesday morning working on the twin engines of the tank. After lunch, he returned to find that Shalini, another blogger who had been idle since the takeover, had quilted a colorful dust cover for the tank as her contribution to morale.
Her effort might have had a positive effect, but upon seeing the cover over the tank, Solaratov opened fire with a barrage of recoilless rifle fire, utterly destroying the tank and the cover, thinking that the tank had been captured by anti-war hippies. He thus attempted, successfully, to put it out of its misery.
Left without weapons, the remaining bloggers withdrew to a small ranch outside Kilauea where Knight and Grunt were able to convert a tractor to an effective mobile artillery piece using horse manure as ammunition. After an initially ineffectual barrage of the Al Jazeera position at the blog HQ, they switched to pig manure, and managed to get the new management to completely abandon the premises. Even though they had the benefit of ZMalfoy calling in coordinates for the bombardment, some of the manure ordnance inexplicably fell on the Holy Goat coffee hut many miles away, in Hilo, destroying it.
It wasn’t until the entire group retired to GFCinThatOrder’s Machine Shop, Horse Livery, Radiator Repair and Taqueria down on Highway 130, and they finished drinking all of his good Irish whiskey, that the day’s tragedies were finally put in perspective and all was forgiven. It was especially noted that no matter how much damage had been done to the blog that day, nothing could be as frightening as the prospect of having to work with Al Gore on Al Jazeera. At least that bullet was dodged. And it was also noted that today was April 1st, and that this must be the Open Thread of the Day.