Gruntington Post – The National Park Service has confirmed that “approximately 1000” dead fish were discovered Wednesday afternoon floating in the Washington Mall reflecting pond near the Washington Monument. No cause has yet been determined, but the Park Service has dispatched a forensic environmental “quick response” team to the scene which will be accompanied by several thousand agents of DHS, TSA, ATF, IRS, SEC, FAA, DNR and the Secret Service to ensure that the fish die-off doesn’t pose a threat to national security. Despite the fact that the response team will not arrive until later Thursday (there are numerous martini bars located in the few blocks between these agencies WDC offices and the reflecting pond), the Park Service insisted that the incident was “almost certainly” due to their lack of adequate budget, and insisted that the entire lake must be re-surveyed, drained, rebuilt and probably relocated to assure that this never happens again.
There were political rumblings on Capitol Hill that the fish death might have sinister causes. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Retard) suggested immediately that Tea Party racists were probably behind the incident, and although this appears to be ludicrous at first glance, the fact that today’s NBC article originally reported only “hundreds” of dead fish, when photos clearly depict several thousand, is evidence that, indeed, these may have been Tea Party-affiliated fish.
Additionally, witnesses report the suspicious presence of a “jewish-looking homeless dude” on the banks of the reflecting pond late Wednesday. The bearded man was dressed in red robes and carried an immense walking stick, or “staff,” that he waved menacingly in the direction of Capitol Hill. According to witness Omar Yerbout, an Ellipse lawn hummus vendor grabbing a quick smoke by the pond, the man was “definitely creepy” and he was certain that the man was an “NRA activist,” although Mr. Yerbout could not explain that perception, and the bearded man certainly carried no firearms or signs.
The dead fish plague is not the first to strike the area around the Washington Mall this year. Earlier this spring, an unusually healthy brood of cicadas descended on the area in the culmination of the insect’s 17 year cycle. Before that, ordinary houseflies seemed to infest the White House during the winter months, despite the cold outdoor temps.